{With a heavy heart I come before you, truly astonished by our state of affairs. It has nothing to do with inadequate school systems, the failing economy, or even the moral corruption of this great nation. No, this issue surpasses all else in a matter of urgency. It must be addressed: I am speaking, of course, about cellulite. I nearly feel faint at the sight of this abomination, but we all know that it is a serious detriment to our society. Simply speaking, we must stop cellulite before it takes over the world.

It’s nothing more than a composition of consumable food. At a mere 4.2857…calories per cookie, these infant biscuits are rather just the added addition of food that will cover my body in the despised form of cellulite in a few hours time.

But how unlikely that they would represent yet another matter much like the ever growing sight of metaphorical objects in our society